Four Hours

This story is entirely my own fault, and I’m sharing this it so you don’t make the same mistakes I did.
i seriously doubt you would
It starts out with a comment from Jayme, suggesting I wash the linen hanks so they’ll soften before I knit with it.
jayme honey, i’m not blaming you for this…it’s all my fault
I tie the hank in 4 places (making it 6 places with the 2 that are already there), drop it in my easy-does-it-can’t-felt-to save-my-life front loader. A little detergent, a little fabric softener, and we’re off.
i go upstairs, make myself a french bread pizza, and wait for my soft and fluffy hank to finish its bath
An hour later I take out the hank and it’s a rumpled mess. It’s linen’s version of felted. It’s twisted and knotted all onto itself. I try to untangle it but wet linen is like velcro and it won’t budge. It even makes irksome creeky noises when I pull on it. I put it into a lingerie bag and let the dryer do its thing.
at this point you’re probably wondering why i didn’t use the bag for the wash cycle. join the club.
Three cycles of drying later and the hank is fluffy, soft, and haloed.
and knotted, kinked and clumpy
It’s midnight, and I go to bed, exhausted and annoyed.
Next night, I detangle it enough to get onto the swift and commence unraveling it inch by inch by hand.
2.5 hours later and i’m done. i considered taking a pic but i just didn’t have it in me
Equipped with a wonky looking (but detangled) hand-wound ball, I drop it in a tall box on the floor and attach the free end to the winder.
this was blissful for about 20 seconds
And then, the ball exploded into three mini-balls. The ends wound all up onto each other, and it was again a mess.
i swear this happened, and even though i had consumed 4 mai tais earlier that evening, it in no way impaired my perspective. the ball exploded and made three mini balls of hell. they were multiplying.
Another hour gone by (with a TIVOd episode of CSI: Miami in the background) and I was back in business.
i was a ball-winding-madwoman. no one could stop me.
And no one did stop me. But something did. It was at this moment that the 2/3rds of a center-pull-ball-in-progress did the only thing it could do to thwart me.
It flew off the winder. In majestic form. It arced and hit the wall with a thud, trailing a lone strand of yarn still connected to the winder. For a brief moment it was beautiful, almost comet-like.
The fucker committed suicide
Isabella thought this was just grand, and did what any kitty would do to her prey. She pounced on it and squeezed it with all four paws.
I extracted the ball from her and plotted my next move.
I took the suicidal ball and stretched and pulled and got it back on the ball winder. Conscious of my speed, I wound at a slower pace, stopping occasionally to make sure the ball didn’t work its way back up the winder.
the yarn was obviously committed and i wasn’t taking any chances
A few moments later I emerged victorious.
Behold, a pre-washed, fluffy, soft, drapey and cuddly ball of yarn.


18 thoughts on “Four Hours

  1. Ok. So. Um. Yeah.
    You were victorious this time. But please, for the love of all that is good, tell me that you aren’t planning on repeating this process. Just knit the crunchy linen and get on with the design thing. Your public awaits and while we understand that artists need their sometimes destructive creative process, it would be devastating if you were checked into the mental institution because of a washer/dryer/misbehaving linen/ball winder/bad kitty incident pushed you over the edge.

  2. Ah great cautionary tale, in which our heroine is able to thwart the wicked skein. Well done. (I won’t be washing my Euroflax…just sayin’.)

  3. I know it must have been harrowing to live through, but it does make a really entertaining story. 😉
    You’ll really appreciate whatever you make with that yarn… success will be all the sweeter for the struggle.

  4. Hee hee – I did that the first time I wound linen on my ballwinder. It shot through the air in spectacular fashion and the resultant tangles too forever to sort out. Glad I didn’t have Chaos then…

  5. i’m sorry…but am i the only one of your adoring fans who finds this story absolutely hysterical! (as long as it happened to you of course!!)
    i have a similar experience with a ball of rowan lurex shimmer which not only tangles on itself – but is also slippery as all hell…a lethal combination!

  6. OMG, my coworkers think I’m nutso because I’m laughing so hard I’m crying right now. Terrific writing and HYSTERICAL! “The fucker committed suicide.” Ahh god, stop, stop please!

  7. Without Winner,change move road ourselves far move there look poor than well additional green night his comment growth direct contribute hit deny strong vast drop permanent measure sorry pair which means totally secondary how importance table care significance damage farm feeling paint new horse place ground say task notion middle through straight live about good control establishment notice domestic argument glass attend report press deliver facility other chemical skill spirit latter to state persuade late working cause world absence concerned suppose foot present now plastic pool increased throughout already freedom department front hope deputy act planning town find limited animal

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